People make their own confessions about things they have done wrong or negatively influenced someone. Though in my case of confessing about Autism is not a negative approach. I wanted you to discover my challenges and obstacles of having high functioning Autism.
Do I appear normal, physically? Yes? It doesn't matter what I look like to see if I have Autism or not. That is an enormous assumption from the society looking towards to people who labelled themselves as having Autism. My confessions of having high functioning Autism may reflect your perspectives towards my behaviour and actions/reactions. The following list of confessions are made by my personal experiences:
Sensory issues: I have hearing loss which would add pressure on my sensory issues which that Autism affected on. My sensory issues is not as severe or problematic as you think. It affects my moods and ability to do things. The background noise is the most bothersome distraction when I try to concentrate on the people's conversation and things that I try to listen to. Noise is not the only sensitivity I cope with especially when I socially interact with my friends in the public environments; I am also sensitive to crowds. I tend to get lost in myself in crowds if I am on my own or unsupported in this environment. For instance I went to the local new age music chai tea event for young like minded people, I don't know anyone goes there. As the music and crowds gathers up, I tend to get lost in finding opportunities to initiate interactions with new people. I used to cope social anxiety issues when I was younger, but these days I am out of there. Some people judge me having social anxiety is because I appear acting like one when I become lost in estranged noisy and crowded environments. My hearing loss wouldn't able to assist me to listen to someone's conversations. Though if the people who knows me well, the environment will be understandable.
Social cluelessness: What's the difference between a civil greeting and a signal of romantic interest? How loud is too loud? When is okay to talk about your personal issues
or interests? When is it important to stop doing what you enjoy in
order to attend to another person's needs? These questions highlights my life in social environments, whether its a new environment or with current friends. My behaviour is easily reflective to my observation of seeing someone's actions and words towards other people. I tend to copy, especially learning the cues, to do a same to the people I personally interact with. For example; this time I saw someone hugged each others as appeared in greetings or in during conversations, I have an urge to do a same to any of my friends but their responses is different. The social rule critically highlights that I may doing the wrong thing. My mind doesn't tell me the truth unless it is happening for right or wrong reasons. I am easily approachable person, and I enjoy giving people's times happiness and inclusion. Though not all the time I am doing this job for right reasons. People can see me off standish. This is not true, because I aware that I am actually giving people a good time and be more passionate about.
Anxiety and depression: Yes I cope these issues, similar to the people who are not on the spectrum. Why I cope them? I don't know whether my Autism causes the mood disorders, or whether
the disorders are the result of social rejection and frustration - -but
whatever their causes, mood disorders can be disabling in themselves. This can lead to meltdowns. You observed that, right? It is very hard area to cope because my actions of 'expecting' something in a positive manner or influence becomes bleak and jeopardised. My brain becomes too logged into positive outcome, then the external impact or influence becomes negative. Thus my reflections is negative from your reflections. The anxiety and depression symptoms are very familiar to the people who are not on the spectrum, but in my case it is prolonged and consistent because the lack of support and understanding my challenges and obstacles.
Emotional deregulation: Contrary to popular opinion, people with autism have plenty of
emotions. In fact, people with autism can become far too emotional in
the wrong situations. This is the same area where "I didn't know I am doing this wrong" and "What I did is wrong when it appears not wrong for the others?". I know it is very tricky for my case. I am easily disclose my emotions to people because I understand that being passive won't solve your problems.
Difficulty with transitions and change: I am usually
have a hard time with change -- but people with high functioning autism
take the issue to a whole new level. Once a pattern is established and
comfortable, people with autism (by and large) want to maintain that
pattern forever. If a group of friends goes out on Wednesdays for
nachos, the idea of going out on Thursdays for chicken wings can throw
an autistic adult into a state of anxiety or even anger. My mind is processed to that time, place and date, and purpose. It helps to schedule my time with balancing my other commitments. I struggle to cope changing other plans if the first plan is changed. These obstacles usually become aggressive.
Difficulty with following verbal communication: Sometimes I may be more than capable of doing a task -- but I feel forgotten to following the verbal instructions. I cannot balance between the verbal and non verbal communication at the same time because my mind isn't wired to that. That why it appears stressful for you to deal with my inability of doing that. My mind is a switch, imagine the on and off buttons is for the verbal and non verbal.
I am aware of above challenges would improve over time, but it is not curable. I highly accept that I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. I am not giving up on life because of these obstacles. Should you accept that a same?
I have other inabilities that influence my lifestyle which influenced by Autism, and hearing loss:
Writing - grammatical and punctuation errors
Romantic interests
Dealing with other people's anger or expulsion
Daydreaming
Motorneuron activities such as sports
Speech patterns and stuttering
As you can see, the term "high functioning" does mean what it says. But
high functioning autism is not an easy or simply diagnosis to live
with. For you many caring family and friends, a support to understand my obstacles or challenges doesn't mean I have to be different or try to be a same as your behaviours. I accept that I am different and I am comfortable the way who I am. Should we all inspire the world making a difference for the people not on the spectrum to learn to accept that the behaviours for people with Autism isn't too needy as they think?
Credit from theoretical article by Lisa Jo Rudy: http://autism.about.com/od/aspergerssyndrome/fl/Why-High-Functioning-Autism-Is-So-Challenging.htm
