Mathew, its time to tell people of your experiences of being 'attacked' on your inner peace after series of life events, including last night's event (3/2/17). Friends, families and people who knows me are still learning about my Autism and hearing loss. What ways to communicate with me? How they interact with me especially in social environment?
Many people either have Autism and hearing loss, but rarely have combination of those. Its so extremely challenging, like level 100 on Doom video game where the level is impassable. Life is full of negative in communication and social environment because I am so different to many people around me. I grew up with traumas, embarrassing situations including in public place, bullies, insults, mocking on my disabilities and terrible nightmares. I have been judged, verbally attacked and pressured. While I have been doing so well living independently having an apartment to live in, own and drive a car, a bicycle, traveling experiences, career employment and support from family and friends. The downside of my life is communication and social environments.
Combination of having Autism and hearing loss attacks on my ability to communicate and socialise with people. In reflection, it is a same way how people tend to get confused why my speech isn't clear enough, why I can be passive, why I am being inappropriate and that. These moments are totally unaware that I behave. Its too hard for me to know what exactly I am doing, at the same time everyone in same room as me seems comfortable but after my reflective actions people turn uncomfortable. I tend to get confused, lost and depressed. This is where the attack on my inner peace.
No one have any opportunity not to give up on me when I am under stress and pressure. I tend to flight as they do flight away from me. As a child and teenager I had regular meltdowns, but these days its more of anxiety due to traumas and impacts on my young days where I experienced loss of faith and trust in people. Communication and social skills is so extremely important for me to learn and understand because it helps me to build my self confidence, having healthy chemical balance in my brain and generate healthy genes for future offspring. Three years ago I started to come out into community more than I was previously. I started joined clubs, interest groups, employment and university. It is still challenging today because no one understand who I am. This leaves me behind in terms of social behaviour and communication strategies.
I have 8 years experience of counseling and psychology sessions learning about communication and social skills. Unfortunately the problem still persist because I still couldn't understand why friends and people know me aren't being consistent. This makes me anxious, confused and frustrated. That helps me into misery. Common symptoms of having Autism is anxiety and depression is due to external impacts and influences that violates the internal peace of the person's health. I felt like I have been violated by my friends many times, who didn't stay in touch with me nor be there for me. It is also difficult to make new friends because every time when I go out socialising and interest groups after first meet up they run away and never heard again. They were so nice, friendly, assertive and straightforward. I got so confused why they didn't want to be my new friend since they behaved at that time. It seems they were pretending or being fake towards me since they may not know how to deal a person with Autism and hearing loss.
I am turning 26 years old soon, and that is getting scarier because the more you grow old the more challenging it get. Ironically supposed to be other way around. I want global peace and inclusive society rather than attack people. I don't want to be lonely person. I always wanted a beautiful girlfriend who there for me who understands and love me. I wanted to return to her in same way. This makes me happy and earn lots of Oxycontin.
