The lens of isolation - why people should change

I get this saying every single day, "You can't change people". Of course this is absolute criticism, unfortunately this is not the case for everybody. Living with Aspergers and hearing loss, should I change the way my disabilities act? The negative side of this perspective is not accepting myself who I am.

So, what about other people around me? Every day I struggle reading situations socially, emotionally and communicating because the society is too complicated to analyse. At nearly 28 years old, after 7 years since I started writing blogs trying to raise awareness that help people that I can't change who I am. You cannot ask someone with Cerebral Palsy who have leg defunction to stand up and walk 'properly'. This is where people don't understand the aspect of the disability.

I misread social cues, body language and conceptions every single day. It because my Autism structures the wiring process in my brain by how it functions. I still can read, speak, drive a car, sleep well, cook and eat food, lead groups and make friends just like everyone can. This is biggest misconception from mainstream society and media portray stereotypes, feeding misinformation and creating barriers. For many years I faced a lot of harassment, bullies, feeling socially isolated and disconnected from the rest of the world.

I tend to be emotionally stressed due to making a lot of efforts, in mirror of how people without Aspergers try to make friends, find relationships and connections. This is HARDEST thing to experience. It is absolutely HARDEST to be a person rather than being 'normal' able bodied, white and socially privileged with high status.

There are lot of stereotypes and stigma against young adults with Aspergers because of how society and media portray, despite lack of education and awareness it not creating a healthy environment for people like me. The root causes of mental health, which can become a disability is stigma, harassment, consistent bullying and prejudice from others. The lack of accessibility nor inclusive the communities is the segregation and psychologically stigmatising the identity.

In an ordinary day how you react to the person who is homeless asking for your help compared to a person wearing a business suit. The society is filled with hate, wars, violence & crimes, and stereotypes. Misinformation and misconceiving identities can psychologically effect the person living with these experiences. It put you into a lot of pressure trying to find out who you are, and also finding the right people to hang out with.

So the question is "should people change because of them?". Yes, ABSOLUTELY. Psychologists and experts always try to tell you that must relearn your behaviour how to communicate and interact people. It nothing to do with your identity nor who you are as a person (i.e. political, belief, gender....). It about behaviour, respect and forgiveness. You don't have to be friends with everybody but still give them time and respect.

Although, I am yet to find right people in my life. I always dreamed of having a small solid group of friends, a girlfriend/wife and a job (I am running a company now so that dream checklist is ticked!). You cannot block people dreams because of they actively seeking attention due to their compassion. It very difficult when the generation living on social media, having identity wars and political disbelief.

I love to hear from you by placing non-passive thoughts on standing up myself for people to change.

Insights & reflections on disability awareness

I haven't wrote a blog for awhile because I have been busy doing amazing things. Recently I have started up a not-for-profit social enterprise, called Nature Freedom, attending conferences, forums and workshops. I am taking my life more seriously than before as I am continually learning towards professional lifestyle.

So, disability prejudice and awareness is still occurring. The Q&A episode on ABC about 'Disability and NDIS' on Monday 25th Monday was very encouraging and meaningful from my perspective. Listening to particular issues from someone you don't normally hear everyday makes me feel interactive and makes me hungry to learn more about them. I am glad ABC produced an opportunity for people with disabilities to share their experiences on live broadcast. This has never done before. Despite lot of debate on how effective National Disability Insurance Scheme works this topic is not particularly well understood among my friends (both able bodied and Neurotypicals), like many of Australians.

This reflects my thoughts about people's ability to understand and communicate towards a person with a disability. Stark results produced by AMAZE Australia, whose researched on NT people who were surveyed on their confidence and capabilities to interact with someone with Autism (vary range of spectrum). Their website published an awareness campaign based on the survey outcomes. While I am not surprised that not many people understand about us, although our education system is quite segregated. Personally, I went through mainstream school living with hearing loss and high-functioning Autism. I was taught and given similar opportunities as many other students. This was a same during my university years. Despite faced bullies and dramas from other peers, I felt education is more important than prejudice itself.

I am identified as Neurodiverse. Which means have Autism along with other neurological disability. Hearing loss the other disability. It not usually common to find many adults who have both high-functioning Autism and a hearing loss. As a kid I struggle understanding communication and language. Not the English language itself, more of how to understand and express it. This affected my grammar, punctuation and speech clarity. Even I still passed my university exams and wrote academic papers, I am glad I have support to overcome my language barriers. Likewise this blog article have been proofreaded by online grammar check software!

So, as being ND male, it trickier than I thought to live a wonderful journey. Many HFA people are intelligent, talented and organsed they benefit excellent academic backgrounds that lead to successful employment opportunities. Despite facing employment barriers, the difference is what make us employable. My life is focused on career and passions. Navigating social environments, making friends and finding relationships is a lot more difficult than trying to clarify my English writing! Finding and keeping friends is extremely difficult. Finding a girlfriend is like 'she doesn't exist'. The social world is completely full of challenges and barriers. While I find myself socially active person I always encouraged myself to show my passions and compassions about life, common interests and networking with many able bodied and NT people. This is really successful recently in past 2-3 years.

Unfortunately is that what everybody in my network thinks I am going well about life. My feelings everyday is full of barriers. By trying to get people to understand me. Why I am feeling extremely socially isolated and being 'left out'. I had no desire from any friends and networks who are empathetic and compassionate towards me despite I have shown this approach to them. In recent medias lately there has been a lot of debate on Autistic male accused as murders, rapists, stalkers and harassers. Lot of people creating stigma against Autistic male by judging their excuses for their own problems. This impacts my life a lot, placing stigma through my networks towards who I am. I believe this is not recent issue since media have been more involved in this particular issue because in past 5 years I felt not had enough influence of being with friends and social opportunities.

This comes to my attention that media bias driving factors of misconceptions and misunderstanding towards Autistic males, of who they are. As a lone voice of being ND male I feel I am wasting my time trying to encourage positive change for people understand me. It affected my mental well-being due to lot of negative reactions. I have lost friends through sharing perspectives of how I feel about this. It such unfortunate nobody can understand me. I have told many times "of course I understand you", but in reality they continually isolating me, not talking to me, rejecting me and not including me socially and relationship wise.

Would have been a better world if everyone is being assertive and honest about their perspectives even if they don't understand about a particular person. They should ask questions no matter if they are assumed 'stupid questions. It all about learning.

I am Autistic: how to be friends with me?

Today is World Autism Day. It such an awesome day to raise awareness for us to be accepted. It not easy to create an environment for us to be accepted due to different perspectives. Many times I learned that NTs or able bodied people see my raising awareness tend to be negativity. Unfortunately, that is your perspective.

So this time I am going to approach differently. I have friends yet to understand who I am, and people in my business networks. Some may not knew I am on the spectrum, but that is okay. They'll eventually know it in the future. I am not ashamed of that. 

I know how to act like a friend to others, yet truly connecting is a different thing. In order to do that, the terms of engagement require some changing.

1. Unconditional Love

Relinquish everything you assume about ‘what friends do’ and ‘how friends act’. When in a relationship with an autistic person, you’re going to find that their behaviour seems rude, inappropriate and ungracious.

I need a lot of space and sometimes this has created distance between me, and friends who aren’t on the spectrum. They’ve felt like this is a rejection of them, when it’s actually a way to get closer. I also find it a same when my friends place distance of themselves from me too. Accepting I need to think, feel and process experiences and information — is one of the greatest gifts I could ever be given by a friend. However, my behaviour has sometimes been interpreted as ‘too cool’ or it’s assumed that I don’t care when quite the contrary feels true for me. I always want to be invited and involved, but find it hard to come across a right person to accept that.

So what I believe it help our connection is to be honest about your needs and feelings at all times, with no exceptions. If you don’t articulate what you want no one’s going to know — least of all your autistic friend. Don’t be scared to bottom-line things, either. Radio silences and ghosting don’t work on the autistic. We’re never going to ‘get the picture’. We might be able to sense certain feelings and needs, yet it’s difficult to know what to do with them unless the instructions are spelled out.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work out what others want, or what they’re thinking, and it has wreaked havoc on my mind and body. If you want me there to support you, say. If a gift is expected, say. If you don’t want to see that movie again, say. If a second date is out of the question, say. Don’t be scared, we can take it, and we’re deeply grateful for it.

2. Listen
We usually don’t just talk with words. Actually, words are the last thing those on the spectrum tend to talk with. Directing action showing detailed skills and patterns helps me to experience and analyse the situation. Hence, actions are louder than words. I am extremely sensitive person, and I find to express feelings with intuition, special interests, music and symbols are highly addictive.

I easily complete conversations and tasks in communication before it ends, thus being distracted get me nervous and unprepared. When this moment happens I tend to get upset or confused. Topic change in conversations between friends makes me uncomfortable and poorly misunderstood.

3. Rituals and Routines
I love doing ritual, a bit of a routine. The safety of rituals and routines cannot be overstated. Through establishing a pattern, I can relax and predict expressions and social cues. It’s coffee at the cafe I know well, or dinner and drinks at your house, or going to the movies or salads at the gardens. In my world I know that there will be no ‘popping over for tea’ unannounced, or insisting that we go somewhere else just as we’ve sat down, or throwing unexpected guests into the mix.

This doesn’t mean we can’t have a tea, go somewhere else, or invite others — it just means I need to know about it in advance. The best strength I have in myself is to be organised and prepared for the scenario because it helps me to be aware of where I’m going to be, how it’s going to be, and who’s going to be there, makes everything easier. This doesn't mean it boring for you from a NT's perspective. You can be flexible with this by making plans in new place but best to place further information about this

I had this time I was excited to go camping for a weekend with a friend who asked me, but found out the people who are going with me who I never met before (before camping weekend) I got a little nervous and uncomfortable because it got me under-prepared which means I am unable to process what is going to happen. 

4. Ambiance
In my experience I find catching up one-on-one in a less distracting setting is best environment for me to communicate with you. My hearing loss adds a lot of barrier if set in loud environments. However being rushed into plans such as spontaneous  scenario it make feel frightening. I know other autistic people who appreciate time limits yet, for me, when I’ve committed to spending time with others I want my feelings and thoughts to have space to be put into words — otherwise I just end up talking shit and becoming exhausted.

I like open, calm spaces, not chaotic and crowded ones. Brunch dates are rarely on the menu because it takes a week to digest them. Navigating people, movement, noise, food, drinks, lighting, seats and varying temperatures is too much. Rarely I find my friends are not well managing their diaries and have comfort to do this. This come to point when I get socially lonely.

5. Self-compassion
We have to be our own best friend before we can expect to be anyone else’s. And, in the end, we mesh with people or we don’t. Being autistic is a benefit from their own perspective, by enjoying passion and interests. It a key to happiness. Everybody else share common trait, even if you are non-autistic you know what I mean.

Credited by Madeleine Ryan, The Daily Telegraph Australia Monday 2nd April 2018