I am Autistic: how to be friends with me?

Today is World Autism Day. It such an awesome day to raise awareness for us to be accepted. It not easy to create an environment for us to be accepted due to different perspectives. Many times I learned that NTs or able bodied people see my raising awareness tend to be negativity. Unfortunately, that is your perspective.

So this time I am going to approach differently. I have friends yet to understand who I am, and people in my business networks. Some may not knew I am on the spectrum, but that is okay. They'll eventually know it in the future. I am not ashamed of that. 

I know how to act like a friend to others, yet truly connecting is a different thing. In order to do that, the terms of engagement require some changing.

1. Unconditional Love

Relinquish everything you assume about ‘what friends do’ and ‘how friends act’. When in a relationship with an autistic person, you’re going to find that their behaviour seems rude, inappropriate and ungracious.

I need a lot of space and sometimes this has created distance between me, and friends who aren’t on the spectrum. They’ve felt like this is a rejection of them, when it’s actually a way to get closer. I also find it a same when my friends place distance of themselves from me too. Accepting I need to think, feel and process experiences and information — is one of the greatest gifts I could ever be given by a friend. However, my behaviour has sometimes been interpreted as ‘too cool’ or it’s assumed that I don’t care when quite the contrary feels true for me. I always want to be invited and involved, but find it hard to come across a right person to accept that.

So what I believe it help our connection is to be honest about your needs and feelings at all times, with no exceptions. If you don’t articulate what you want no one’s going to know — least of all your autistic friend. Don’t be scared to bottom-line things, either. Radio silences and ghosting don’t work on the autistic. We’re never going to ‘get the picture’. We might be able to sense certain feelings and needs, yet it’s difficult to know what to do with them unless the instructions are spelled out.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work out what others want, or what they’re thinking, and it has wreaked havoc on my mind and body. If you want me there to support you, say. If a gift is expected, say. If you don’t want to see that movie again, say. If a second date is out of the question, say. Don’t be scared, we can take it, and we’re deeply grateful for it.

2. Listen
We usually don’t just talk with words. Actually, words are the last thing those on the spectrum tend to talk with. Directing action showing detailed skills and patterns helps me to experience and analyse the situation. Hence, actions are louder than words. I am extremely sensitive person, and I find to express feelings with intuition, special interests, music and symbols are highly addictive.

I easily complete conversations and tasks in communication before it ends, thus being distracted get me nervous and unprepared. When this moment happens I tend to get upset or confused. Topic change in conversations between friends makes me uncomfortable and poorly misunderstood.

3. Rituals and Routines
I love doing ritual, a bit of a routine. The safety of rituals and routines cannot be overstated. Through establishing a pattern, I can relax and predict expressions and social cues. It’s coffee at the cafe I know well, or dinner and drinks at your house, or going to the movies or salads at the gardens. In my world I know that there will be no ‘popping over for tea’ unannounced, or insisting that we go somewhere else just as we’ve sat down, or throwing unexpected guests into the mix.

This doesn’t mean we can’t have a tea, go somewhere else, or invite others — it just means I need to know about it in advance. The best strength I have in myself is to be organised and prepared for the scenario because it helps me to be aware of where I’m going to be, how it’s going to be, and who’s going to be there, makes everything easier. This doesn't mean it boring for you from a NT's perspective. You can be flexible with this by making plans in new place but best to place further information about this

I had this time I was excited to go camping for a weekend with a friend who asked me, but found out the people who are going with me who I never met before (before camping weekend) I got a little nervous and uncomfortable because it got me under-prepared which means I am unable to process what is going to happen. 

4. Ambiance
In my experience I find catching up one-on-one in a less distracting setting is best environment for me to communicate with you. My hearing loss adds a lot of barrier if set in loud environments. However being rushed into plans such as spontaneous  scenario it make feel frightening. I know other autistic people who appreciate time limits yet, for me, when I’ve committed to spending time with others I want my feelings and thoughts to have space to be put into words — otherwise I just end up talking shit and becoming exhausted.

I like open, calm spaces, not chaotic and crowded ones. Brunch dates are rarely on the menu because it takes a week to digest them. Navigating people, movement, noise, food, drinks, lighting, seats and varying temperatures is too much. Rarely I find my friends are not well managing their diaries and have comfort to do this. This come to point when I get socially lonely.

5. Self-compassion
We have to be our own best friend before we can expect to be anyone else’s. And, in the end, we mesh with people or we don’t. Being autistic is a benefit from their own perspective, by enjoying passion and interests. It a key to happiness. Everybody else share common trait, even if you are non-autistic you know what I mean.

Credited by Madeleine Ryan, The Daily Telegraph Australia Monday 2nd April 2018